I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
