She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
