what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You're like the curious george of whores
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
