Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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