Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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