there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
