Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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