Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
