After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
