: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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