Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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