Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
