My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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