why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
