So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
