i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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