Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
