I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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