I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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