Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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