I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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