someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
not ubering you a puppy
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
