This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Found the puke drawer
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You need Xanax blowdarts
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
