I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Holy sore nipples Batman
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Randomize
