ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
