Is it because I queefed?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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