I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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