just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
