I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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