Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
