What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
