this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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