I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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