My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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