at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
