I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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