mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
