I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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