Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I want to fling myself into the sun
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
