I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
