Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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