My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I still have a little drunk in my system
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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