morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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