Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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