there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
