Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
