this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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