You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
