apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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