I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
