The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
