I heard we made out
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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