we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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