Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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