Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
