Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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