I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
