I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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