Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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