i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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