her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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