The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
