please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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