i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
