You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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